Month: March 2018

As promised, here are my views and options on how to deal with cheating in a romantic relationship setting. My starting assumption is that there is hard evidence of cheating. This does not need to be a confirmation by the offending party though.

Before going into how to deal with the situation, let’s look at what cheating actually means. Personally, I find the urban dictionary definitions great because they include the physical and emotional aspects of cheating. After all, someone can cheat emotionally without ever being in the same room as the person they are cheating with. All that is important, as always, is that you know where your mind is at. What is acceptable for you? Where do you draw the line? How closely is your partner’s line aligned to yours?

Think about it for a little while and imagine what you would be able to get over and what would be a breaking point. Is it acceptable to be friends with a person of their preferred gender? How close a friend is tolerable for you? Is it OK if your partner kisses someone but not if they hold hands? Does your partner have the same values? Take some time and really figure out where you draw the line.

Now that you know your starting point, let’s look at options and actions.

First and foremost, retaliation, aggression (passive or active) or violence is never an acceptable way of reacting to a cheat. In the best case scenario, it will end in tears and in the worst case scenario in a jail sentence for yourself. Don’t do it.

Packing your bags, calling it off and moving on to pastures new is another option. This however is easier if you have no ties which are easily broken. When children are in the picture, it may not be that easy or the preferred option and you need to know yourself what you are able to put up with until your children are ready to start their own, independent life.

At this point, I feel it’s necessary to point out that the old saying of “once a cheater, always a cheater” seems to hold up. A study of the University of Denver titled “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships” found that people who self reported cheating in the first relationship are three times as likely to cheat in future relationships.

As a first step, some couples take a break to have time to think and explore how they would like to carry on. I think this is a perfectly fine way of dealing with the situation. Just remember to make sure that both of you have the same understanding of what a break means. One person may think of it as living apart with the same rules as being married and living in the same house. Other people on the other hand may think they are fully single during the break. Some people of my generation may remember the episode in the series Friends where two of the main characters were on a break and didn’t agree on the rules.

You could also seek help from a professional such as couples therapy or counselling. I have seen a few marriages make it through their hard times this way and would always recommend it as a good step even if no trouble is on the horizon. After all, prevention is better than fixing. In many countries, you can find reasonably priced counselling sessions. You could also try it at home using the Gottman Institute marriage minute newsletter or books. This would only work though if both of you are committed and both of you agree that the DIY approach is helpful.

Whatever the situation, I encourage you to speak to your partner in person rather than talk it over with friends, family or letting steam off in other ways. These “strategies” are no more than avoidance techniques which do not add to the solution of the situation and only drag out the moment a decision will need to be taken. Ultimately, these techniques will do more harm than good to you.

Also, ask yourself if you actually still want to be with this person. How do you feel about them now that you have evidence that you are not the only love in their live? A School of Life video puts it aptly in that you need to weigh up your situation versus the uncertainty of a new start.

In conclusion, you have to know your own mind, you need to know what you want and you are the only person who can take the decision. Understand what you feel comfortable with and what you are willing to put up with in the long run and what you value in life. Once you fully understand your value, your values and what you value in life, you will know what to do. Then, just do it.

I noticed a new bin at my local recycling station a couple of weeks ago. It’s big, it’s brown and it’s full after only two days.

The local council started a new initiative to collect “gardening rubbish”. It’s meant for big green things such as trees you cut back or the bush at the end of the garden that you finally removed or the remains of the big hedge which were cut off the plant to make it look like an over sized poodle.

I don’t have a garden, so I won’t need the new bin. Still, I’m all in favour of giving the neighbourhood the option to get rid of their foliage easily. As it turns out, the rest waste bin is no longer overflowing which is enough benefit for me.

Personally, I reuse, recycle, compost and make use of whatever waste management facility is on offer. I do it because it’s super easy, it reduces my local authority bills and it makes me feel like I do my bit for a better world.

Every country I ever lived in has it’s own way of dealing with rubbish and recycling and it generally doesn’t take too long to get your head around. In London, UK, every household has a waste collection bin with recycling stations within a reasonable walking distance. In rural Austria, every household has their own waste, paper and compost bins. In Switzerland, you can buy specific rubbish bags from dedicated shops or drop off your stuff at the recycling point just outside of town. In some parts of Spain, households don’t have their own bins and communal household waste bins are part of the recycling stations which are never far from home.

Sweden even imports waste from other countries to turn it into energy – and into profits – through incineration. The reason given is that the Swedish population recycles too much waste so that the governmental incineration stations receive insufficient waste for the incineration process to generate the required energy.

Over to you. What are you doing to and with your waste? Are you avoiding waste all together? Are you taking the easy way and put everything into one bin? Are you an ardent recycling supporter?

The reason I am asking is the fact that many people don’t think about this question. Many people are not aware of the full waste management offering from their community, village, city. Often, the first encounter with waste management arrive through the post in form of a pamphlet from the local council when there is a change to the current rules.

So, let’s look at the available options one by one, how practical they are and their pros and cons.

First off, illegal dumping, better known as fly-tipping, is never an acceptable option. It’s in the name: it’s illegal in many countries. The United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) even includes it in it’s list of environmental crimes. Littering falls into the same category for me and more on this topic in a few weeks. The main issue with illegal dumping is the possibility of toxic waste which may be part of the dumped items. In order to get on top of the issue, many different actions are taken. One research paper even studied the use of GPS tagged sea gulls in locating illegal dumps containing organic material.

Second option, avoiding waste is a big topic around the globe and in simple terms it means to not buy things that will turn into waste e.g. plastic bottles, single use shopping bags. The US Environmental Protection Agency has a comprehensive list of tips for pretty much all situations. I do have my set of cotton shopping bags and tend to take them with me if I plan to go shopping. My gripes is with the times, when I remember to run an errand without planning ahead.

Third possible action on dealing with waste, if you do end up with that extra water bottle or single use plastic bag, you could try and re-use it. In my opinion, it is a good option if you are creative and have some time on your hand. It works particularly well if you have children who use that plastic bottle for a school project or you want set up a space saving garden at home.

The next possible action you can take is to recycle. Recycling has many benefits as proponents are always eager to point out. For example the Prestige Recycling Center points out that raw aluminium is twice as costly as recycled aluminium, it creates jobs and areas used for landfill can be utilised differently. However, not everything that glitters is gold (which can be recycled from laptops) and recycling has drawbacks which makes for an interesting debate on the topic.

Last but not least, you could do absolutely nothing and put everything in one bin. Given the above data, this seems a viable option even if it feels counterintuitive at first. Over time, technology will improve and develop and take care of the problem. In the meantime, binning everything helps countries such as Sweden who earns approx 800 million Swedish Krona (which is approx Euro 780; 90 million USD) per year with your waste.

Looking back over the options, what do you think now? Will you change your “rubbish ways”? Or will you continue as you do now? Ultimately, all that matters is that you are aware of what you do and the reason why you do it.

Personally, I encourage you to get on the bandwagon and reduce, reuse and recycle as much as you practically can. There’s every reason to continue and very little reason against it. It doesn’t cost money or time and you may even save you money. It’s good for your conscious and for mankind as a whole. Let’s keep this world clean together.